oct 5 2019 - it's funny how

(cute animal vids) + I only know how to write about one thing

it’s not my first szn working 7 days a week, nor is it the first one after i’ve said ‘never again’ to myself and for whatever reason, it’s 111am and i’m totally fine that I have to be at rehearsal in 9 hours i’m going to sleep I promise, I’ll write this quickly, fast.

happy first quarter moon in capricorn ;)

i finally handed off one of the tougher grants i’ve worked on this #grantszn (ie, all of 2019 lol) - hard because of my grantwriters’ block (yes, a thing), hard b/c of the length, the questions, etc. i’m approaching a soon-ish date where, for the first time this entire year, I won’t have a grant or final report hanging over my head and when was the last time I reminded you i’m a freelancer not receiving benefits for all these grants lol?????

remember that time I caught on fire at work and was like, nah can’t afford the hospital without health insurance, I’ll nurse my 2nd degree burn at home lol - catch the full story in (the now shuttered 😪) the Establishment (published in 2018, remember when?)

it’s of no surprise to you that i’m writing about overwork and burnout (get it? 🔥? it’s not even irony!) again because, as i’ve written in these slushies, before, I sometimes wonder if I know how to write about anything else

me tryna be productive after a 12-hr work day:

me tryna look at that 200 wd question on a grant for the nth time:

it’s funny how I know how much i’ve worked, really, which means it’s also obviously obvious to me how much (and how little!) i’ve done in whatever period of time i’ve existed but I sometimes don’t even believe in myself to do the thing—which slows me down and makes me more tired. helpful! it’s also funny how imposter syndrome follows everywhere and there’s really no way out of that self-consciousness, is there? this isn’t false modesty or compliment fishing (but if ya wanna, lol) ;; this is a failure to have the confidence of a mediocre white man. oops

^even when ur teaching ur boss basic shit about how XYZ works

was chatting with a friend about burnout and how the systems don’t exist to help and how to deal with that and there’s this:

&:

& and there’s me spending my money like this (bless):

and i’m still not over this profile of Constance Wu — written by Jiayang Fan for the New Yorker. a choice quote:

“Because, here, what we say has a lot of reverence,” she continued, frowning. “Pay attention.” In our subsequent encounters, Wu spoke directly into my phone, as if recording an audiobook.

excellent stuff.

& another meta thing- this one took me an appropriate amount of time to laugh at:

also, nb: this slushie wrote itself so quickly from stringing and elaborating some un-precious thoughts i’ve considered tweeting but haven’t been in front of a computer or willing to deal with my phone app so it’s funny what my brain holds onto in the age of the internet, I deleted instagram from my phone for a bit, k good night xo, b

~~

pps. good morning, this is slushie #25. yes the math says that ‘first quarter moon slush’ will celebrate its first solar return with the next slushie! the consistency i’ve demonstrated - I am impressed. with myself :

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