sept 5 2019 - uneven cycles

I am late and 'procrastiscrolling' lol

hi, um,

today, the moon is in a first quarter and transitions from scorpio to sagittarius tho it feels like the new moon in virgo was like yesterday. normally it feels like there’s more time between these quarter moons but we know cycles are uneven and that’s nice to think about for me

today also snuck up on me because there was a long period where I had reminders scheduled for myself on that horrific app that is no longer a functioning system for me* (lol New Years embarrassments, how relatable I am!) and yes, i’m still feeling something that people call burnout and i’m still working through it and we know cycles are uneven

cycles of feeling, of the body, of pesky work, and this never-ending grantszn

and sometimes when the unevenness of different cycles are out of sync, you still have to show up to work and bless for the spoons that help me show up for other people and yes, i’m also showing up for myself by naming what I need and trying to make it happen

once cycle that's been entertaining is the particular absurdity of twitter news / celeb goss this wk ; David Karpf, the irony/hypocrisy of Ariana G, the sheer willful ignorance of Scarlett J, that Crazy Rich Asians writer Adele Lim, and oh so many people (apparently unknowingly) being embarrassing in the permanent, fleeting archive of the internet. I think in some time, I might believe I was one of these people but maybe I already know/knew

it’s a distracting cycle to pedal through. it slows me down and there is much work to do and there will be always be much work to do (thx, u guessed it, capitalism! lol) and if I type lol at the end of every tweet/text to indicate unwelcome humorous irony, then is scrolling thru hot takes on horrifying jabs of words and $flows on my twitter feed a manifestation of me actually slowing down and resisting endless laboring in favor of a respite, a moment’s laughter at how ridiculous everyone is and how I can only laugh from afar at another’s ridiculousness but feel unable to address my own?

some call it procrastination but I…

isn’t it magical how you can’t know whether I actually sent this message at this time or scheduled it for some ‘optimum timing’? lol

to willful procrasti-scrolling,
yes i’m usually a bad influence,

*the frequency with which I reference that post/time is a pretty good summary of this slushie as a project

aug 23 2019 - everything's lol

tldr; still burnt out but it's ok b/c lol

spoiler alert: #semisolovacay2019 did not fix my burnout

oh wait, I already knew that

somehow, i’m still disappointed I was right lol

but it did shift my perspective on it a bit ofc. more in a sec

happy third quarter moon, which shifts from taurus into gemini today
happy virgo szn, may it bring smoother clarity than this #leoszn has felt for me

but at least there’s poetry

and did you see some of the poems from #vpss? out now in AAWW’s The Margins
(+ can’t remembered / can’t be bothered to double check if i’ve sent Jean Lee’s piece in Culturebot)

yes i’m that promoter but also, sharing things i’ve enjoyed supporting (also, save the date for the next ‘soft bodies in hard places’ program, loveconductors present ghoul|take III on sept 25 @ issue project room)

i noticed i’ve been ending lots (more than usual lol) of my tweets / txts with lol lately because that permutation of letters also means ‘omg i’m being sarcastic but i’m not lol’

so who knows what I mean and I could elaborate but won’t just now but instead here are some

other recent-ish readings:

this meme, but i’d also give it the simple caption of ‘‘‘mood’’’'

besides catching up on work (which besides being predictably annoying (i’m so good at whining), has been fine, and at worst, only slightly overwhelming) , i’ve just been being slow and reading some but more writing and lounging and being mindless and dancing and discovering my body more and again and lifting weights and having mixed feelings about dancing and maybe 'a system’ will find me in this new season to sort through it but maybe it’ll just all just float while it can still summer and thankful for these pockets of slow time and, well, autumn’s coming eventually I guess and maybe this might be restorative and

maybe i’ll keep up ? lol

to taking my time with myself

aug 7 2019- #semisolovacay2019

sloppy making decisions

y’all, i’ve had some very groggy and sloppy moments lately and I apologize if my oversights has affected you.

My last slushie, I just noticed I abbreviated ‘jun’ instead of ‘jul.’ I sent a broken link to an essay I wrote and one of you caught it, thank youuuu

A work email person had to tell me I made a typo. And then when I responded, I called the person the name of someone else in the email and I’m such a hypocrite. Please don’t send me any of your copyediting gigs, my brain is not there right now

I can blame burnout, I can take responsibility for being sloppy ass, but I can’t blame #semisolovacay2019 , which hadn’t started before any of these errors

The thing about staying with/visiting dear ones is that they want to me as a ‘guest’ to make the decisions. One of the best things about #solovacay2018 was knowing what decisions I wanted to make (where to go, where not to go, how to spend my time, to not get that tattoo for funsies, etc.).

But since I’m seeing people who know what’s up, I’d really love it if you told me what to do because I’m not trying to waste my time having a mediocre time. Also, I’m clearly just barely keeping it together

so maybe it’s a good thing it’s just a #semisolovacay2019 because family and people are great and i’d elaborate more but

happy first quarter moon in scorpio!

some reading:

jul 24 2019 - quick cat note sit

i'm not late, I promise

b/c it’s still june 24 on the west coast, where I leave for #semisolovacay2019 in just a few days :)

^^ GIF: Amethyst flipping her hair, living her life on the beach, from Steven Universe. ALSO, one of 2 featured gif’s in last year’s widely celebrated autoresponder for #solovacay2018 ;) *

happy Leo szn, happy third quarter moon in pisces, sad sad sad, or whatever vague words for greetings/emotions

i’m singing and loud and tired but hanging
these first two days, i’ve spent more time with people (and often, quite lovely company) than i was planning for even a week ago, but that’s probably cause my google calendar didn’t have it all inscribed

also, is there a better way to start the leo szn than cat sitting?

I probably would’ve freaked out had I known

instead, i’m stumbling, falling asleep standing on the subway (uhh….) but enjoying the company of beautiful people

if you’d like, stop reading this and go spend time with yourself and/or others :)

or if you want to read more things on your screen, I invite you to read some recent writings

or reread/share one of the super-max takes I offered u in the last two slushies lol

and look forward to emailing me in a couple weeks so you can get the #semisolovacay2019 edition of my autoresponder ;)

urs, b

july 9 2019 - pass the torch

on dance/writing legacy, plus lotsa tweets/vids, bet u missed them

but delivered to you in reverse order!

today , the moon shifts into its first quarter phase in libra. I’mma choose to not say more cause it is what it is

I recently made some ‘art’ ( I shouldn’t dismiss myself like this but) for a pop-up with HECHA / 做 . I won’t share photos just yet but will branch from the ish-aesthetic of that miniest piece with this slushy

^^byeeee, c u when I deserve to leave the trash

^^going between like 7 hrs and like 5 hrs a night so odd #’s only y’all

currently reading There There by Tommy Orange and Split by Cathy Linh Che and Baise-Moi by Virginie Despentes (not the translation so) - have yet to find a true ‘beach read’ for the summer :(

^^to have such clear focus!

plus some quick hot takes on recent reads (as they came up on my queue at least):

  • Soraya Roberts on certain people commanding $4/word
    ~~ and also, the nepotistic gross relationships at the heart of it all. my take: blegh!

  • Rebecca Liu on the fascination with ‘millennial [TV] women
    ~~ I quote, “Politics has increasingly been shuffled into the media-centric realm of the representational, replete as it is with artists, writers, and journalists who are not political organisers, not activists, and are certainly not the vanguard of any revolution.”

  • Margaret Talbot profiles Mitski
    ~~ where, among other things, Mitski gets to speak back to mischaracterizations of her work in previous profiles. the power!

  • Joan Acocella on the future of ‘modern dance’
    There have been many good takes on this and, to the overbearing whiteness of this piece, the lack of mention of so many other ‘important (i.e. famous) folks’ in the field, and the really offensive language at times, I'll add some more complaints: that this piece makes the worst of dance/dance writing by

    • failing to place the artists (and art) discussed in a sociohistorical context and thus, upholding the worst of dance’s reputation as a gilded, elitist form. What does it actually look like for “Those who are trying to revive dances by a dead founder [to] constantly face complaints by old-timers that the result looks inaccurate, inauthentic?” If we’re comparing this to ballet (which seems to be the only referent that matters to this piece), people already complain about how modern ballet dancers are too thin and too acrobatic for the ‘original work’. But what do the shifts in aesthetics and interpretation of a work over time say about dance, dancers, dancers’ bodies, the true ‘spirit’ of a foundational choreographer or dance, and the specific place/time something is being rehearsed or performed in? How does one carry forward an art form though the body? Acocella seems ready to dismiss this ‘romantic’ question but to me, it’s one of the more interesting ones.

    • making sweeping generalizations of this broad field and the people who move within it. She writes about ‘older-dancer syndrome,’ and offers this proclamation about dancers more broadly: ‘And once their feet or shoulders have been trained, for years, to do a certain thing, they can’t easily do another thing.’) I feel like Acocella projects these generalizations and insecurities onto everyone, which ignores the (I would guess) much larger percentage of folks who have entirely different syndromes about dance and those who dance so many different things (if not easily, then quite well). The effect of these statements is a further closing off of dance to those who feel intimidated by it. The tone suggests, “If you’re ‘old or fat or tired,’ [she said this] it’s too late. Your body and mindset are rigid and unadaptable to new (somatic, embodied) ideas.” This is a terrible thing to imply, least of all because it’s just not true.

    • failing to call into question the presumption of Cunningham and Mark Morris, 2 white men (among others), to decide how their legacy should fit into a dance-cultural landscape post-mortem. Isn’t it kind of eerie to harness acquired social/financial/institutional capital and shove into the future a particular kind of thinking, a particular kind of work? Dance doesn’t have to serve people but when they’re talking about presenting it for people, this kind of planning feels icky. There’s preserving lineage and there’s (eek, here’s where the stereotype comes from) creating/sharing into an unpredictable future simply because one can. It’s taking this ephemeral, time-based form beyond one’s ephemeral time living in this ecosystem. But this isn’t questioned because the mere feat and capacity to hoard all of the capital required to do this work is so impressive that it must be a given that there will be interest. But we all know that’s not how money grows in the USA

    but wait, B, what does this random dance complaint have to do with non-dance?
    Regarding, certain of these artists extending and reflecting on their legacies by sharing stages with other creators, Acocella worries that “it violates what was supposed to be the mission of modern-dance companies: to present the vision of one artist.” Again, a big sweeping generalization, but what does it say that some of today’s ‘big names’ are shifting in that direction? It suggests that maybe contemporary folks aren’t interested in this singular vision. Perhaps it’s no longer financially viable; maybe even, this model isn’t artistically interesting. The expression of Acocella’s consternation does more clearly suggest that cult of (white, male) genius/personality still runs strong in people’s thinking about whose art/work gets to matter (in the now and over time) and that ‘important work’ must be constituted by a singular, exceptional individualism. I am yawning.

    It’s frustrating how Acocella talks about older dancemakers’ late years as “a pageant of continuance in flat denial of imminent crisis” without recognizing how, by continuing to take up space in the cultural criticism ecology with these views, this essay definitely has a spot on that parade float. From the #demdebates, the thread of candidates pushing for Joe Biden to ‘pass the torch’ was one of the revealing dynamics to watch play out on a stage (political performance!). Acocella uses the phrase twice. Biden didn’t help his case for clutching his torch and neither have the white dance dudes and Acocella in this piece.

    I didn’t mean to write this much about this, but here we are, at 1:14am.

    From Soraya’s article (and others), I wonder about bridge burning in a ‘small’ field and how sharing thoughts like these isn’t good etiquette for a young folk like me, but oops

also me:

this is dance; this is ‘soft touch’

burying the lede since 19__,
~~~ Benedict

bonus: I got to model for CFGNY a couple weeks ago and it got covered by . all requests to me of any kind moving fwd must include glam, thank you.

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