apr 26 2019 - can't dance

a vague but actual note on process

giphy showed me the above (a glassy unicorn in an ever-renewing, expanding rainbow) when I searched ‘light’ and a friend and I had a longer text conversation about everything this image could mean than what we were ‘originally’ talking about. happy internet age…

one of the original premises of this experiment was talking more about ‘artistic process’ and of course, I wasn’t really considering how hard that is for me to do (publicly)

but I follow thru so;;;; i’m low-key rehearsing for a performance for a friend in a couple weeks. the work already is a thing so i’m just putting material into my body but had a thought going into the first rehearsal— this couldn’t be more casz but i’m still freaking out cause what if i’m inadequate?

and then I get there and realize: I do not know how to dance. it’s not that the choreography’s awkward, it’s that I’M AWKWARD and I move awkward and maybe I should just stop

and, wait for it, the semi-uplifting narrative is coming. when did you smell it? not ‘it gets better’ but I was so thankful there was patience and understanding in the room. this wouldn’t be another time where i’d be insulted and dismissed. there’s not that much time to get it together but I remembered (again and again) how working at it made it easier and better. while my awkwardness is forever, yesterday i somewhat looked like I was capital-D ‘Dancing’ and I cannot believe for how frequently I spew on about how ‘everyone can dance’ and ‘everything is dance,’ my own words still float above the surface of my internalized elitism & impostor syndrome

not sure what this means about ‘THE FIELD’ or ‘PERFORMANCE PSYCHOLOGY’ or ‘MYSELF’ (though I bet this is telling you way too much)

and of course I know how to dance (and so do you!) and I love to dance because the pleasure of finding my body and everything it is and everything it isn’t and bless, I just completely forgot the next part or I just completely fell over but it’s okay because I went for it and this isn’t about remembering or getting back up. it’s the kind of doing in motion and i’m so thankful I can make time to do this work, that it’s part of my freelance labor matrix, and that I don’t do this FT because I would not last long before hating it forever lol

the people+outfits as text threads

these are all worth clicking on and seeing all the lewks. chuckle with me

when’s the Beyoncé x Mitski collab coming?
what would that look like and sound like??

also, re; the internet age,

ever evolving and what it is:

but also, sometimes internet strangers offer nice affirmations that the algorithm surfaces at a nice time

thank u, um &, save the date for vpss: June 18 + 21

also, I guess we’re 3rd quarter moon in Aquarius so maybe the prescription for me is don’t over think it, just Nike

🌱 benedict