june 25 2019 - moving thru

gaymoney, cancerszn, and #apocalypticbops

when I first started compiling the tweets (yay, they’re back!) for this slushie, i sort of accidentally was formatting it as a #summergoalz listicle and am thankful that this has changed and u r welcome for the slightly improved content.

i was recently reminded that ‘pride’ is ‘this wknd’ — as opposed to any of the other days of the year that queer people have to exist ugh; or any of the other wknds this month where other NYC boroughs have celebrated Pride — and realized how my beach feels (which will probably be ruined by the maybe rain anyway) will be in conversation with my desire to hide from humanity this particular wknd.

I know gaymoney is in right now but i’m just bored by these shiny celebrations that feel too far removed from the violence queer people, esp Black trans women, face all the time (or any of the other intersectional shit happening in this world) and if you haven’t already read this essay, read some longer/better/ and/or more specific versions of it

  • here (apparently, my phone company hates the gays),

  • here (apparently, most of the gays are totally fine with cops and corporate pride),

  • here (corporate pink washing feels worse this year, no?), and

  • here (media loves the gay stories rn. v in)

since Friday’s solstice, i’ve been wondering whether #cancerszn (yayy) presents other conflicts for me because I wanna be home-embodied (hi Shi!) but also crushing on strangers (hullo internet stranger), the latter of which (I guess) can happen at home but there’s something so nice about stalking in the sun and making eye contact and then rolling my eyes (but like, not at anyone), and looking away and letting the heart-mind wander where it will. You’ve read this essay, right?

there’s something nice and optimistic about yearning, something that feels like it brings more potential than turning a profile picture blue or calling congresspeople sputtering an intractable system that can call attention concentration camps— the term itself an effigy of a backward past that people can’t possibly fathom exists in our present—but not fully end them and take care of people.

in case ya missed the ads, the branding, the Stonewall riots were 50 years ago — banks are so proud now to be this far removed from that moment but can’t seem to say anything about this one.

there’s something about being this close to the temporal moment but that far from those spatial happenings that feels hard to meaningfully confront but of course, people are struggling fairly close to people thriving off those same peoples’ backs everywhere — segregation and gentrification and the service industry and stark class inequality right up against itself, here and there and steeper.

so sure, a stranger in dewy, humid sunlight looks nice when I blur the edges of the world creeping, breathing between us. their face could be sweet, their hair’s textures shining, a bead of sweat that looks yummy on vibrant sun-skin could make a super-hydrated (h2O) me feel the thirst (the other kind).

there are so many ways for it to ache when someone’s next to you and saying that feels like a cheesy cop-out but idk how else …

I went to one of those bars in the Village earlier tonight that, one late night a few weeks back, I was led to but it was too crowded then. It probably wasn’t anymore crowded this hazy evening but I had a more of a reason to go in, a friend to celebrate. I squeezed my backpack between my legs so it wouldn’t fall onto the sticky floor. there were people, some basics, some friends and it was nice to be there and it was nice to leave and keep going

some musician folks are writing songs* that address more directly ‘today’s times’ ; some folks in the yeehaw agenda evoke (among other things) a static, tragic solitude, but one that moves through, stolid.

and in case you thought I was being romantic, here’s a sappy dosage of bleak:

drink up, this is just the celestial shit

plus some xtras

hope ur breathing this 3rd quarter moon in our dear aries ;)
ty as always for reading - would love to hear what ya think

🌊♡ benedict

*both links referencing pretty good #apocalypticbops, as they go